So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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