Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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