I puked a lego.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Randomize
