I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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