Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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