Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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