anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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