So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.