I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating