hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.