one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....