There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
