So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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