I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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