Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
