I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
