she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
