birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
