i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
