I think scott just propositioned me for sex
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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