btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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