he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
