Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
