the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
