My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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