just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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