Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
