Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
