I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
