when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
