can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
