So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
ttyl tear gas
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
