every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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