There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Dignity is for republicans.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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