So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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