Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
