i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
