i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
