so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
