I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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