he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Drunk is a universal language darling
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