What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
