last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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