Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
