I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
