I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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