I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You can't special order awesome
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
