I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
