think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
