chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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