I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
