yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
