Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
