I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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