I skipped work to stalk him.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
