Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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