there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
ttyl tear gas
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
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