who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
