Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
