I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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