Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
