my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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